SOMEONE'S BEEN TREATING ME AWFUL

...and I think it's me. Let's quit. You're too pretty to work at this place. I'll steal a shopping cart and we can push it to Disneyland.

DID I DO THIS? COULD I DO THAT?

All hands are alike in the dirt.

I SEEN IT IN THE MIRROW HE SAID SMUGLY

Those are the sounds of a party going on next door, folks, and wouldn't we just love to be there instead of where we are, watching this domestic tragedy unfold.

GEOGRAFUCHY

If George Elliot's old grandmother had ridden one of these things home yesterday she'd have a damn sight more to cry about than a batch of ruined biscuits, I can tell you.

REAL AS IT SEEMED

I grabbed handfuls of the purple leaves and stripped them from their stems. I ran across the street to the crumbling lodge and yanked out one of the balcony supports. The balcony sagged. I ran to another support and tore it out, and the whole front of the building collapsed. An infant crawled towards me. I picked it up and threw it at its parents, shouting, "Here's your baby!"

I SEE IN MEMORY MY DEAR VIAND

Monday, June 19, 2006- Dear diary, today I had the most spectacular daydream! In it I had returned to Mexico- I mean that small, dwindling Mexico, the one at the end of the long night-driven road. I slept in the car and when I awoke I was surrounded by dazed-looking bears with bandaged paws, stumbling about in a freshly cut stubblefield and crying. I was extremely intoxicated. Cheers, diary!

A SIREN IN THE NIGHT

Mother, send me to sleep in the arms of crosstown wailing. I can bear anybody's troubles as long as my own house is full of fry smells and chocolate. The continual bad news cannot erode me; I only play at listening to it. I don't go to any of the so-called trouble spots, the dark camps of hideous black and yellow souls lit from within and thrashing in a gravy of disaster. No, I'm tougher than that. I am one strong pigeon.

ANOTHER SICKENING JOKE

I solemnly swear that I was born on a certain day, and that I lived through many other days. I've heard there is another world and I believe it. All my ideas came from a carton. I can hold a stick in my hand and a thought in my head. I can climb a ladder and I can lie on a rug. It's an easy style.

DIARY OF A BELGIAN HOUSEGUEST

In Germany I enjoyed the indignities of being teased by my host. One time he slapped me on the cheek, and I later saw that he had sneakily applied a sticker there. It read "CENSORED IN AMERICA". The daughter of the household was very strong. She could hold me aloft with one finger.

TELL YOUR GRANNY I NEVER MEANT TO KILL HER

Sunday. I groant again, rose and stumbled. How can a man sprain his foot while he is in bed asleep? No, said my wife. It is a new infirmity. It means the kick is gone.

PARABLES IN PROGRESS PART 2

Mr. Xerxes Cappapopallap of Des Moines, Idaho writes "If this is progress, give me perdido. You've hardly touched your project, and the floor trout are getting cold. " Good one, Mr. Cappapopallap! It's true that I have been occupied with other things, such as analyising a vision of the nature of Maya in that special one-seat theater. It was shown to be like thick mud being stirred with a stick... you know that little howl mud makes when it is vigorously stirred? Well, the mud does the howling and all the little creatures do the living. Simple yet effective!

IS THIS YOU?

Open on the night sky, whirling overhead. Clouds, planets, everything in rapid transition. Birds chirp at normal speed. The sun comes up fast. The day continues in this manner.

THE BABY IN THE NAVY

Now children, you must learn that the limits of your ignorance are not the limits of the world, and now you shall see how many awful secrets we have been hiding from you. And you will soon see everything you need to know in order to appreciate the truly appalling situation life has placed us in. All of us! Oh children, what's the use of this struggle? What is the use? It's a trap, children, it's a funny vicious trap.

THE KITTEN

Now children, be very still and very good; because when He decides to reveal Himself to us, the slightest whisper of attachment or excitement will frighten Him away. So be very unnatural, children, and welcome Him into your silent, still hearts.

A MONSTER OF INGRATITUDE

"A fat man-monster...head-hole... as fast as you can." Thanks for the book, Mr. Merchant. You gave it to me, didn't you? Gave it to me with a broad smile. "Jimmy", you said when I came in. One more peculiar thing to live with, notwithunderstanding. Why do they love me so? Everyone else has to buy these horrible books; only I get them for free, out of love. It's embarrassing, but I keep cold, not reacting, not acknowledging. And yes, of course I do pay, I do owe. Well, that's better, it makes sense. "The advent of the Manfrog! His hideous passion, his dreadful revenge!" Wonderful! Is this the correct price? It seems a little high.